These Isn't My Fault...

I never wanted this!!! This isn't my fault, why should I be punished for something you wanted? I'm fat, my face is broke out and my skin is three different colors! I'm tired and I eaten a whole meal in weeks....I'm 21, why am I here??? I thought I had so much more time...God I thought I had time... It seems like everything is on me!!!
"Why is she crying Champayne?!"
"You need to do this Champayne!"
"Feed her Champayne!"
"Don't feed her Champayne!"
"You need to eat! But don't eat that!"
It goes on and on....I didn't sign up for this!!! This is what ya'll wanted!!!
I know one thing I will never do this BullShit again...NEVER!!!

Driving In Circles...

I wrote something but didn't want to show it anymore.


see you later, see you soon
p a y n eH.

...lazy days in Los Angeles

I'm so sleepy... even though I've slept all day...still sleepy. I'm thinking about deleting this blog. It has so much hurt and pain on this blog. Sometime I feel so clouded by my surroundings...I'm sooo happy but so miserable all at once. Alud and I are so terribly close, and not even I'm waiting for him to fuck up close but I love my man, my bf, my husband type of close...it couldn't have came at a worse time. Lol! I'm tired though and think he notices that... I know he is taking most of the heat from this...he is too strong for his own good.

See you later, see you soon
p a y n eH.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Connecting the Dots...

Your the one...I mean The One. It took so long to believe these words...its ok now...it truly ok...

See you later, see you soon
Mrs. Dhirodatta L. Hayes
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

But Your Not Him....

You say I'm beautiful...but I love it when he calls me cute...
You say my extra weight is sexy...but I love it when smacks my ass only to watch it jiggle...
You call me Babe and Sweetie...but I will always answer him when he calls me Payne...
Your body doesn't have an ounce of fat and your tatts are sooo sexy....but his Buddha belly and pale skin makes me feel sooo warm...
Your dark eyes makes me lose my train of thought and blush....but I love waking up to his crystal blue eyes on a sunny morning...
Your rugged hands makes me feel delicate and feminine....but his soft touch lets me know everything will be OK...
You bring so much fun and enjoyment to my life...but he was the only one there when my world was crumbling all around me...
Your this beautiful, sincere, sweet and amazing person...
But your not him...

See you later, See you soon
p a y n eH.

Doped up...

I feel nothing...no rage, hurt, frustration, defeat, or disappointment. No love and feelings of any kind towards you. When you touch me at times I have to remember who you are... When I wake up to you I have to reminded myself the life I live. For some reason you no longer fit in my perfect little puzzle of life and love.... I don't know if we can get through this...but I honestly don't care if we do. I have officially blocked you from hurting my heart, my spirit, my feeling by goin completely numb...
I'm doin this bc I know one day you will decide not to pull the plug, take the anesthetic out my arm and wake me out this coma... So that I can love you how you now know you need to be loved...

See you later, see you soon,
p a y n eH.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

A Piece Of Me

What the fuck else?...I mean I do want I am suppose to do to a T and its still not right!!! There is no fucking pleasing you...ever. I'll never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, mature enough. I'm tired...really really tired. I am going to break soon...i feel it. I am not the women I use to be...hell I was more a women at 15 then I am at 20! This whole relationship has just destroyed my heart, my spirit, my life. I feel like I'm crying all the time...inside and out. Its like a piece of me dies everyday...