"Yes. Just One."

[this blog my be very sloppy in grammar and spelling and i do apologize but this my be my most honest work ever...]

I just went to go see SEX IN THE CITY...and the it was AMAZING!!! I loved it, even though Jennifer Hudson was awful, they put her in a "black ghetto girl" role. Not a good look Jen.

Anyway the most amazing thing about this movie trip is that i went to see it ....by MYSELF. Those that have known me seen i was a kid know that my mom as never let me do anything alone...except work. But trust me if she could work where i worked she would. Back to the movie experience...It was amazing. I wasn't nervous or ashamed when the cashier ask if i wanted 1 ticket. I said with the widest smile "Yes just one." And just like that, just with those three words my transformation began to the next me...

This movie made me realize that my life is just that my life and before I was Chammy,Payne, Peezy or even Mrs. Hayes...I was Champayne Corinay Robinnette Jenkins Richards (don't laugh too long or too loud OK). And lately I haven't known who I was. Two years ago, was going full force towards my goals and then there was a road block in my clear path that affected my character and instead of addressing it I created another route throw throns and bushes. And man is it dark and gloomy here. I sometimes feel like I'm having an outer body experience, like this couldn't be me. And even my own husband is starting to see the difference...oh that's anything I'm tried of it been all about him!!! I love him with all my heart matter of fact HE IS MY HEART but...but I'M MY SOUL!!! I adore Champayne... not Chammy (the ol'me), not Payne or Peezy (the recent me). I'm Champayne you don't know how beautiful and lovely my name sounds and looks. I know no one can see me right now but imaging a smile the size of the titanic!

So you ask what does being Champayne in tell...well I'm not telling. Just know when you start seeing a change in me, well you'll know why.......Ok no bullshit lol! I have no idea what this new person, i mean the NOW me is like or what her journey in tells. But its exciting....

oh Alud isn't home and I haven't called him in 2hours!!! I'm loving this already!!!

Flaws and All...

Well surfing on various fashion sites, blogs and old friends myspace pics....

I start to feel very posed...like a mannequin in Macy's. And when I mean mannequins I mean still, perfect, blank and stationary. Think about it a mannequin's look, emotion and style is created by other around, they are not officially ready til someone decides they are.

I wonder how many of are mannequins in our own lives...

Ex. Me 1....

A designer with a creative block, and dead in job, no diploma and got married right when my "wings" got big and strong enough to soar.

Recently I feel as if everything is posed for perfection. I mean as a little girl I learned from my immediate reality and my virtual reality thru TV, radio and observation that perfection or rather the illusion of it was they only option. So many of us was taught this as well...if life gives you lemons you make lemonade.

But what happens when we stop hiding our shortcomings, flaws and mistake and start openly and publicly fixing them, instead of hoping it will go away and no one will find it out. I wonder what will happen when someone will write on their on blog or myspace status "Just cheated on my boyfriend", "I'm unhappy with my behavior" or "I have wrong many today".

Ex. Me 2....

I'm not concentrate more on my passions, causing blocks to become buildings. Frighten to get another job because of the finical life style that I am use to. I'm a school drop out that won't find the time to attending a GED program. I'm scared of being alone and not having the option of to come back to Alud after exploring the world and the life around me so I get married to make sure I'm finicaly stable.

Myspace when will we learn are flaws are the true beauty. When will I learn that perfection is just a simile for fantasy. And bloggers all around show that beat up and kicked around hearts of your to the world show that where you are in your life truly...

IT PAYS ONE TO KNOW ONE...

OK...so that last blog wasn't exactly all I wanted to say. What I really wanted to say is that I'm fat, 235 to be exact. Why you ask have I allowed myself to get this heavy...well...when you eat refined beans with greasy taco shells, potatoes, rice, tofu, cheese, cheese and more cheese for two years that tends to happen. Now you ask me why didn't you lose the weight as soon as you gained it...again well...I was blessed with a husband that loved when I started to gain weight and even now, why because even though I'm 230 lbs. my figure is 36E-34-52...my butt and boobs are almost 3x bigger then when i first meet him. And I hate it!!! I hate the fact that I can cook "my specialties" bc he won't eat them, or that i can't fit in to my cute skimpy clothes. Oh better yet NO ONE NOTICES ME ANY MORE. When I use to walk into a room all eyes were constantly on my 34c-25-43 figure, my bronze brown skin, with a face that could make any hair style look good. But now I'm that "cute chunky" girl and I hate this most of all. But Alud likes it...
Alud also likes his job that causes me to work a job I hate to make sure the bills are paid. He likes going on business trips where he doesn't answer his phone on when I call.
You know he use to worship me... not like my body not even love but WORSHIP!!! Now sometimes I wonder if it ever crosses his mind that he could do without his 225lbs wife.

FYI: there are many signs of denial in this piece...Find more then one and you will understand my title.

MEAT WEEK!!!

So Alud is go on a business trip, you know what that means....MEAT WEEK! That's right ya'll turkey burgers, chicken, shrimp and fish OH YEAH!!! But after one burger i find myself feeling like crap!!! Alud is a vegetarian and I normally don't bring meat in to my house because it takes to much energy and money to cook two different meals each night. With that said I haven't cooked meat in my kitchen in almost a year and a half. But with me trying a new diet that insist I eat lean meat in my daily diet meat week my last a little long, but in baby steps because I feel like a PIG!!!

Comcast's Revenge

Comcast brought this piece of crap over my house and some pimple face dork install it but guess what... it don't work!!! I can't get any thing I pay and on top of that I have to wait til Wed for them to switch out a stupid box!!! Now while i'm doing all this ranting and raving I'm thinking in the back of my mind if they still remember i owe them like 400.00 thats why i got the cable in Alud name this time.....Spike full bitches!!!

A Masquerade Ball

Have you every woke in the middle of the night and wondered who the person that you been lying next to for several years really is? Ever walk into your office and wonder what your quiet, all together and polished manager is really like? And that Rapper on TV that seems to have everything on a silver platter, what does he do when he is alone? Or better yet have you ever glance out of the corner of your eye seeing your reflection and say "who...oh fuck that's me!" Well welcome to the Masquerade Ball!!! Where everyone try to have the biggest and creative mask only to hid there eyes from you seeing them envying your own big and bad decise. My wifey had just wrote a blog on the real her our apart of it any way and i am also reading Coming Up From the Down Low by J.L. King...And both speak about about there own Masquerade Ball aka their daily lives. Reading this i came to a small and minor conclusion that your bed partner is a wife and mother to you but a pregnant crack addict to streets once you leave for work. That manager of yours spending 50% of her six figure income on beauty product to hide the black eyes and bruises her husband gives her right before raping her every night. The Rapper you would never guess that when he goes home and pulls that bulletproof vest, saggy pants and gun off, he then crawls in to the bed with his male life partner of 10 years.
I say this to say that as human beings our struggle is the same, and notice i said HUMAN BEINGS aka creatures that are motived by feelings. When will we be able to take off the mask and to start mending to each other wounds so the Masquerade Ball becoming a Hostipal...making us all the paitent and doctors...

No pain No gain!

This SHIT taste like crap but it "burn calories"...190lbs by july!