A Piece Of Me

What the fuck else?...I mean I do want I am suppose to do to a T and its still not right!!! There is no fucking pleasing you...ever. I'll never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, mature enough. I'm tired...really really tired. I am going to break soon...i feel it. I am not the women I use to be...hell I was more a women at 15 then I am at 20! This whole relationship has just destroyed my heart, my spirit, my life. I feel like I'm crying all the time...inside and out. Its like a piece of me dies everyday...

Drinch In Mud

"Your my heart and I will never leave you." you said in the car only moment after we said I do and seconds from celebrating in the festival.
Two and half years later and I stand to give you an ovation on your believable performance.

I can't believe I was stupid enough to believe in this BULLSHIT!!!!! Stupid, Stupid, Stupid! How could I be so naive,got your mutha fucking name tattooed on me, can I get any slower!!! I'm so piss for allowing for my guard to be down...I can't believe my stupidity! I hate myself for you allowing me to do these to me, I'm so angry!
Every memory, every promise and every word a muthafuckin lie! How can allow myself get here, how? You were suppose to be it...

I hate even looking at you sometimes You sit there and act like everything is perfectly fine and like you haven't ripped my heart out. You have literally ran me thur the mud and about to let you do for ANOTHER TWO YEARS. I don't think i can make it,I don't believe I'm stand being dragged thur the mud again...
I'm in so much pain, this hurts so bad. I swear I can feel every knife in my heart , every inch. I will never forgive you..or myself if we truly fail.

p a y n eH.

Too Numb To Feel My Heart Beat

So shit has gone down...
And shit is changing....

I am in disbelief right now. Dec.2 2008 I lost my best friend...I lost my heart...my soul
and everyday since I've felt like of been losing my mind...

I cry just thinking of all the shit I have to go through by myself....this shit isn't fair, I did everything right, by the book and It still wa s fallen apart. These was suppose to be it, I was suppose to be set for life. But I am worst then before now.
How didn't I see this, I was so blind...BLINDED BY LOVE. The one thing I told myself I wouldn't allow.

Looking at him makes my skin crawl, yet in the same moment all I want him to do is love..."Love me,PLEASE just love me!" But even if he said he did I know he would be lying, because he never started, I believe.

So know I have to do the one thing I never wanted to do...be alone. that all I can think about is be all alone while his somewhere with someone else to love him.

We made an agreement to separate, not divorce he repeats over and over, yeah right. But for 2yrs we "DO US". Two years to separate, to learn how to live without each other, to fade way....

One day we will pass each other on the street and not even look each other way...

p a y n eH.

Vanilla or Chocolate Swirl with Sprikles on Top?

You knew who I was and what I was about when you meet me...hell that is one of the reasons you married, so why is it a problem now? You say you support and accept me but that is apart of me? You said you loved me and how I was but now "ME" and who I am just seems to annoy you... Now a days every question is elementary, every suggestion stupid and every adventure unrealistic...

I am who you married why aren't you?