A Piece Of Me

What the fuck else?...I mean I do want I am suppose to do to a T and its still not right!!! There is no fucking pleasing you...ever. I'll never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, mature enough. I'm tired...really really tired. I am going to break soon...i feel it. I am not the women I use to be...hell I was more a women at 15 then I am at 20! This whole relationship has just destroyed my heart, my spirit, my life. I feel like I'm crying all the time...inside and out. Its like a piece of me dies everyday...

Drinch In Mud

"Your my heart and I will never leave you." you said in the car only moment after we said I do and seconds from celebrating in the festival.
Two and half years later and I stand to give you an ovation on your believable performance.

I can't believe I was stupid enough to believe in this BULLSHIT!!!!! Stupid, Stupid, Stupid! How could I be so naive,got your mutha fucking name tattooed on me, can I get any slower!!! I'm so piss for allowing for my guard to be down...I can't believe my stupidity! I hate myself for you allowing me to do these to me, I'm so angry!
Every memory, every promise and every word a muthafuckin lie! How can allow myself get here, how? You were suppose to be it...

I hate even looking at you sometimes You sit there and act like everything is perfectly fine and like you haven't ripped my heart out. You have literally ran me thur the mud and about to let you do for ANOTHER TWO YEARS. I don't think i can make it,I don't believe I'm stand being dragged thur the mud again...
I'm in so much pain, this hurts so bad. I swear I can feel every knife in my heart , every inch. I will never forgive you..or myself if we truly fail.

p a y n eH.

Too Numb To Feel My Heart Beat

So shit has gone down...
And shit is changing....

I am in disbelief right now. Dec.2 2008 I lost my best friend...I lost my heart...my soul
and everyday since I've felt like of been losing my mind...

I cry just thinking of all the shit I have to go through by myself....this shit isn't fair, I did everything right, by the book and It still wa s fallen apart. These was suppose to be it, I was suppose to be set for life. But I am worst then before now.
How didn't I see this, I was so blind...BLINDED BY LOVE. The one thing I told myself I wouldn't allow.

Looking at him makes my skin crawl, yet in the same moment all I want him to do is love..."Love me,PLEASE just love me!" But even if he said he did I know he would be lying, because he never started, I believe.

So know I have to do the one thing I never wanted to do...be alone. that all I can think about is be all alone while his somewhere with someone else to love him.

We made an agreement to separate, not divorce he repeats over and over, yeah right. But for 2yrs we "DO US". Two years to separate, to learn how to live without each other, to fade way....

One day we will pass each other on the street and not even look each other way...

p a y n eH.

Vanilla or Chocolate Swirl with Sprikles on Top?

You knew who I was and what I was about when you meet me...hell that is one of the reasons you married, so why is it a problem now? You say you support and accept me but that is apart of me? You said you loved me and how I was but now "ME" and who I am just seems to annoy you... Now a days every question is elementary, every suggestion stupid and every adventure unrealistic...

I am who you married why aren't you?

Triple Ol'G

***a conversation with God, the true OL'G (inspired by nakedamy.org)***

payneH: "Hello.."

Ol'G: "Aye homie!!! Don't be so up tight!"

"OK...um how's your day been I guess?"

"Straight, straight...just chilled with the amigos"

"Amigos? God is everything OK?"

"It's all good chicha! Saw your pops flippin switches down the block..."

"Hold on you saw my Dad? How is he? I miss him sometimes...."

"No worries moma, he chillin with Me and Hey-zues.....the question is how you been living lil moma?"

"Oh I'm Ok."

"Who you playing? You still got dry crusty tears on your face! lol"

"haha, very funny! I've just been through alot but I'll get through it..."

"Is that right? YOU going to get YOURSELF through it, huh?"

"Yeah you know hard work and some more focusing on my part, and I'll be back on track..."

"Lil moma your more delusional then the crackheads off Crensaw! lol"

"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!?! You don't think I do it?!?!?!?"

"Hold on, pump your brakes...It's not like I'm the po-pos, I don't need you to prove to me anything. You know why?"

"*sigh* Why?"

"Hold Cuz, I don't have to tell you ANYTHING with your face all screwed up like that !"

"No really how do you know and when might I ask..."

"Know bc you my peeps, we fam. My blood flows through your veins and as long as you know that I'll always have your back cuz-o!"

"Really??? That easy just know you got my back and that's it? For real, for real?"

"Yeah man! Homies For Life!"

"*smirk*....yeah Ol'G HOMIES FOR LIFE!"

"Let ride lil moma, Hey-zues just turned the water to 40's!"

"Stay hood Triple, Double, Triple Ol'G!"

"Keep your head up Lil Homie"



p a y n eH.

M.I.A

I know! I know! I've been slacking and I say slacking because there has been a lot going on in my life just to lazy to tell it. So you ask what are you feel Payne?....
Well if you don't mind me be honest..... TRICK I'M HORNY ASS HELL!!!!!!
Oh my word!!! I need penis NOW! Yes I'm married and yes Alud is home! But I want it all the time while he doesn't! Fucked up right, but it the story of my life! When I use to date I would fund guys would say he can hang that he can bring it and after a month dude always try to pump the brakes!!!!
Ya'll that know me know I have a very addictive personality, if you give me a piece of the pie I'm I'll soon want the WHOLE pie! I just can have one thing I have to have it all, hints the Nympho behavior. And it doesn't help that I get turned on VERY EASILY! The wrong bump can get me started!
Oh what shall I do?

See you later, see you soon....I promise this time!
p a y n eH.
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A Beauitful Mind...

So I was watching one of my all time favorite actor Russell Crow in A Beautiful Mind. If you haven't seen it, SEE IT!!! But no really its about a math genius who has schzophnia (spl.?), he makes amazing discovers and inventions for a secret government agencies and have friends with people that never existed. Its so beautiful how the best quality about him was his one flaw! And to top it off it was strongly based on a true story!
So with that said...
I was sitting one day reminiscing on people that I have meet and have made their own little imprint on my life...good or bad. And I realized that there are several that kind of came out of the blue and went right back in to it... And just my luck that certain person none of my friends know bc before I could even mention this person their gone with the wind. Most of these people their faces are permanently in my mind but yet I can't remember their names...
If I told my mom these she would say their angeles and maybe even demons, like a Consantaine type of thing. But I wonder what if we all have a little crazy in us...what if that imaginary friend that you had on the play ground never left? What if they evolved with you changing their form to fit your need at that point of your life? That friend that would always play tea and cheerios with you...that lover who made love make so much sense...or that elderly women who would allows know what to say when you were having a awful day at work...
Where do these people go, better yet where do they come from....

See you later, see you soon
p a y n eH.
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Team Hayes

I won...really its over...I can't believe it!!! God it feels so good.... You can already see how much weight that was on our relationship has been completely lifted!!! Its so much more breezy now...like it use too.
Life just might be ok, ya'll...

See you later, see you soon
p a y n eH.
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Corona Lime

Ok so the past couple days have been amazing and peaceful... I'm hoping it not the calm before the storm...anywho me and Alud have been oddly all together and peacful too...now that she is out of the pic surprisingly...its almost like I trust him so much more in just a couple days!!! I believe that now that blocker is out the way there is no ending us...
I'm his Corona Lime and his my Main Squeeze! Lol. Awww corning love!

See you later, see you soon
p a y n eH.
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Chapter 1.5

I'm good today...Like scary good, no scary great. Dhiro and I did some overdue "purging"...it felt surprisingly beautiful and peaceful...It's dusk , my favorite time of day bc it as close as i can get to a sunset on Venice beach...

I have so many beautiful people in my life...these people give my world so much peace and joy. Its seems the more I mature the more I cherish these people and the more I miss the ones that didn't make the cut. I have a beautiful life, bills and all!!! lol. But its all an experience...one day I'll be on my patio looking over the Mediterranean sea from my beach house holding my grandbaby in my lap, watch my child and their spouse walk up and down the beach, while holding Alud hand...saying life is beautiful...still.

See you later, See you soon

p a y n eH.

Day By Day

Have you ever been excepted and understand? Talk with some who just got you? Isn't it a beautiful feeling? I think the reason why us humans want to be understood so bad bc its a justification that your NOT CRAZY!!! Ok maybe a lil but that person gets that bc they get you! I love finding that feeling...I get it more and more day by day...

Oh oh another amazing feel is not worrying about other peoples actions against you, bc it has nothing to do with you but reflection of their character....

See you later, see you soon!
p a y n eH.
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Hard work and no play....MAKES A STORE MANAGER!

So on a more positive note...I LOVE MY JOB AT BR! Its fun its exciting! I adore everything about it! I've been hustling my ass off!!! I want a second job but I get amazing hours at BR and I don't want anything distracting me from my goals....or rather my goal to become a store manager in 3-4YRS!!! My bosses love me, my co workers hate on me and I LOVE IT, bc that means I'm doing things right!!! Its so funny bc when I go to work and I get questions about why I get so many hours and why do I get first pick on where I want to be on the floor for the day even though I'm a "newbie"!!! And I'm say in my head is "A www...look lil haters. Aren't they cute!" Lol.
Anyway let me stop rambling on about my fabulousness! Lol

See you later, see you soon!
p a y n eH.
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A Bed To OurSelf...

Once upon a time you loved me. Once upon a time you crave me and dreamed of my every move. Once upon a time you would make love to my soul and not just my body. Once upon a time you we were BFF and even acted as each other diaries, telling each other our every secret and desire. Once upon a time my opinion matter and was valued, and my every love gesture received and praised.
That was once upon a time....

But one day ya'll forget the touch of my skin after sex. One day I won't be there to kiss down my own comet trail. One day the funniest thing will happy and I won't be there for you to tell the story to. One day you won't wake up to my singing while I do my morning rituals. One day your crave my pesto pasta only to come home to hot pockets and ramon noodles. One day you'll miss how my neon green nails would light up on your chest at night. One day ya'll become a assistant manager and won't have anyone to celebrate with. One day...yes one day you'll wake to a bed all to yourself.

See you later, see you soon
p a y n eH.
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Me

Me
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Earn You Fucking Keep!

So how you going to give me "just enough to manage for a week" and expect me to have money left over? why the hell am i wondering about bills and getting kicked out of my apartment? why am i making budgets and relying on myself for things? Fuck man, gets some mutha fuckin balls and stand in your rightful place as a husband and head of a household! Earn your mutha fuckin keep bitch! Do you come home wondering what you are goin to eat and who is going to cook it? NO! do you come home to a dirty house two days in a row if one? NO! do you have to worry about not having clean draws, dry cleaned and all? NO! do you have to worry about your dick being sucked and you being fucked practially every damn day? NO! nothing in this world is free ESPECIALLY NOT ME!!! I'm a fucking married women that means i have a man in my damn house so why the fuck am i so damn stressed out! why am i about to walk over a mile because you don't want to inconvenonce anyone! If I had to grnd for my fucking self if i am suppose to fend for my damn self then WHY THE HELL AIN'T I SINGLE?!?! or better yet why i ain't i fucking and sucking, cooking and cleaning for someone that takes care of his and not only acts like the head of the household but IS? This is some muthafuckin bullshit i might as well be a single women in a studio apartment making my own way WHY THE FUCK DO I NEED YOU?

What the hell?

(In addition to what I just write)...AND THIS HOE IS HONKING THE HORN FOR NO DAMN REASON! WHAT THE HELL?!?! *shaking my head*

Pray for me yall...just pray.
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Another Sunday...

Its another damn sunday on Marta and just my luck I got another crazy ass driver! But instead of crazy fast driving this trick going 15mph and running lights! Where the hell do they get there liscense? Oh I forget ga gives liscense if you know how to park in a PARKING LOT! No roads, no highways, a flippin parking lot! Lol. Ya'll there ain't no hope for the world!

See you later, see you soon!
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Sunday...

So I'm off to work on marta with this crazy ass driver doing Uies and shit! Only in the A! Anyway its my first I think offical day at work. I'm excited but dull excited like ok I'm goin to work now. I really don't know how I feel, weird I know...Coach hasn't called me but I'll contact them on monday! I need a muthafuckin job hoes! Lol! Anywho let me go before I start rambling...

See you later...see you soon!
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Pumps

So I had interview with Aldo Shoes today! And it seems they have been doing a lot of hiring and firing! MORE ROOM FOR ME! The interview went really good I think?! My interviewer was older than me but I felt like I was over powering him! Lol. Like when we talked I felt I was interviewing him and he was some kid from high school, he was so soft spoken but in a really sweet way! He asked a lot of good questions. Questions I hadn't thought bout in awhile a biggy was where do you see yourself in 5yrs? Ever since sometime last year I haven't thought of it which is crazy because I'm so passionate bout fashion yet not being in fashion, in retail has cause me to fade a little... I want to be that bigger better Champayne but sometime I feel like I'm not motivated enough. Like why do this or change that? I trying to find that reason that drive I once had...I'm trying...
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I'm Having An Affiar

Ya'll I'm having an affair with a beautiful and magical creature! He is truly one of God's gift to the world! He is amazing and smooth! The only one that puts a smile and glow on my face. I love him, I need him, I probably couldn't live without him now that I'm thinking about! Lol. Last night I snuck and saw him, we tongue each other down it seemed like for hours! We made a mind blowing performs!
Now I know your asking me how can I do this! Am I crazy I have a husband! But I can stop, I'm addicted! How?, you ask...
Because my new love, my drug and my affair is with Alud's PENIS!
Pinky promise you won't tell Alud!

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Curve

Hi ya'll I know I haven't wrote much, but this is my first msgs from my BB Curve! I can write a lot more on my phone now, meaning I don't have to wait till I come home to write my thoughts, which I probably forget! Lol.

Anyway see you often, see you soon!
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IDK

i'm so damn lost you...you know the type of lost where don't recognize nothing around you including yourself? and its dark...so,so dark here. whatever this place is it host is loneliness himself.

I lost my job,my drive and passion...i lost my job the same week me and my wifey had our first fight and the same week i got another eviction notice.

and the sad part about this i saw it all coming...to the detail and yet i'm still very much confused. my life has turned in to a tragic accident that you watch almost in slow motion on the side of the road. how did i get so deep and lost in this place?

i don't know ya'll this is a tuff one....

you know i haven't cried yet? weird i know but not one tear...i almost wish i would cry to let it all wash away...instead its the extreme weight that is sitting on my heart...no deeper than that my soul.

i don't know...that is all i keep telling myself , i don't know *DEEP SIGH*


oh my blackberry curve is here...a 250.00 phone with a 20.00 package X 2, b/c Alud got one two...no job, eviction notice and 540.00 phones...wow

I Think I Can...I Think I Can, CHOO CHOO!

so i'm watching We "The Secret Lives Of Women" and the topic is Child Bride...it got me think about my life. i mean i got married at 18yrs old...but wasn't i a child bride? I had graduated high school only 14 days before i got married, but had lived on my own off and on for about a year mostly with Alud. i feel myself shutting down sometimes because i'm trying to grow up to be as mature as a mid 20 to 30 yr old. i'm isolating myself from my family and even some of my friends. alot of people in my inner circle don't know what is going on...two eviction notices, pass due bills, my car reposed, my credit is shoot, i am disgusted with my job....and the list goes on. i just keep telling myself "You have to do this Champayne! You have to do this you can't go home" "You did this to yourself so deal with it!" "I got to fix it!!! I got fix it MYSELF!"....if you notice there is no prayer to God or my savior Jesus. why I don't know I haven't found the reason yet. I was raised on prayer and finding the answers in God, yet i feel like i MUST do this myself. i must prove to Alud, my family, friends,myself...hell God that i can do this. i can live on my own, i can make my marriage work, i can go start then finish college...I CAN YA'LL! i can...my life will be better...a least that is what i keep telling myself...
so those of you that wonder what the hell is wrong with that girl?!?! I ask you to be just be patient with me... i can do this...

this what your head looks like when you get caught in ga rain....and for ya'll don't know what ga rain is...its the rain that pours down on you on one side of the street and the sunny and dry on the other!!! so i'm walking along in a tank and shorts with flip flops, and it strats raining when i'm more than half way to my destanation, so i go back home and it stops and gets hot again. my clothes are already drying and of course my hair, which by the way is natural and curls and gets frizzy when i snooze to hard, starts drying in to this part curl, part fro, part straight hair do. and guess what ya'll i had to walk ALL the way home looking like this (pic above). i'm leaving this state as soon as possible. UGH!

DESIGNER HAT

ok lately i have been truely frustraed....more sadden by my love, my soul, and passion FASHION. where are we going with it people!!! i don't know if anyone of remember the 90's fashion trends, but it was all about being hobo and not caring. it was more hippy but more dark, plain and gloomy somewhat...and as a designer i loved when that era left because it almost "DEGLAMOURIZED" women with its baggy pants and oversized shirts. i am a women with curves and a designer that loves color. so when i see the trend of today go back to making women look frumpy it truely saddens me. i look at some people in the lime light and i don't understand what their outfit is going. like one part is soft with pastel colors then its two sizes to big with hard accesories. its all over the place...like this blog is turn out?...well thanks for letting me vent.

Present...

lately i don't know how i feel...i'm not happy i'm not sad. i know weird right? but today? today i feel sick and moody. i eat leftover tacos...just another sick day to remain me to stop eating meat. but that chicken!!! that chicken gets me every time...sad i know. i'm really thinking about going home b/c i'm starting to feel chunks. not good. maybe i can sweet talk s.a. to let me off early...

One Girl, One Guy and a Apple Black 'n Mild

So I'm up for no reason really on my four drink of the night and surprisly not drunk...and me and Alud had a very...very...very nice evening. Of course after i found a text with him asking a 40rs old women for a sexy picture...that will be another day with another blog after further investigation. But I made this amazing playlist for tonight's or rather this mornings events called "1:24 at Night" with Micheal Jackson to Destiny's Child and Lauryn Hill to Amy Winehouse, a truly beautiful playlist. It's this one song called Stingy by Lyfe Jennings, love that song! Anyway so we're lying in bed, the rain is pouring outside and the music is playing in the background and Alud pulls out a Black 'n Mild, which if you don't know is like a mini cigar with a tip and has flavoring added to it, our was Apple. And in a old 50's Hollywood glamour sex scene way we sat in bed sharing a Bn'M...of course with my cocktail next to the bed...
But he really is a beautiful man, His feature are outstanding from is high cheek bone to his full perfectly pink lips. He really is a sight for sore eyes...

Anyway I just wanted to share a beautiful moment between one girl, one guy and a apple Black n' Mild...good night.

The Way Nature Intended

Its pouring down right now, but its so beautiful....One moment its crystal clear then the next it pouring down rain. Its as if the rain and the sun are make music, the rain being the music and the sun dancing all over the sky. The rain drops make the sun bounce all over the place catching its smile with every drop. People in my complex were looking at me funny b/c me and Chichi went to sit on the porch just when the storm or rather the musical concert became the most lively...There is something so peaceful and serene about nature. Its soft and unapologetic at the same time....its nature for Christ sake! When will be like nature, just be our self with out any apologizes or regrets. Or better yet when will we EXPECT each other for who we are....a soaking wet 19 year old women that loves loud colored nails, the hissing sound of the earth after a earthquake, hot wings and garbage burritos and her husband old t-shirts. Nature is who it is sorry for not being sorry...

"Yes. Just One."

[this blog my be very sloppy in grammar and spelling and i do apologize but this my be my most honest work ever...]

I just went to go see SEX IN THE CITY...and the it was AMAZING!!! I loved it, even though Jennifer Hudson was awful, they put her in a "black ghetto girl" role. Not a good look Jen.

Anyway the most amazing thing about this movie trip is that i went to see it ....by MYSELF. Those that have known me seen i was a kid know that my mom as never let me do anything alone...except work. But trust me if she could work where i worked she would. Back to the movie experience...It was amazing. I wasn't nervous or ashamed when the cashier ask if i wanted 1 ticket. I said with the widest smile "Yes just one." And just like that, just with those three words my transformation began to the next me...

This movie made me realize that my life is just that my life and before I was Chammy,Payne, Peezy or even Mrs. Hayes...I was Champayne Corinay Robinnette Jenkins Richards (don't laugh too long or too loud OK). And lately I haven't known who I was. Two years ago, was going full force towards my goals and then there was a road block in my clear path that affected my character and instead of addressing it I created another route throw throns and bushes. And man is it dark and gloomy here. I sometimes feel like I'm having an outer body experience, like this couldn't be me. And even my own husband is starting to see the difference...oh that's anything I'm tried of it been all about him!!! I love him with all my heart matter of fact HE IS MY HEART but...but I'M MY SOUL!!! I adore Champayne... not Chammy (the ol'me), not Payne or Peezy (the recent me). I'm Champayne you don't know how beautiful and lovely my name sounds and looks. I know no one can see me right now but imaging a smile the size of the titanic!

So you ask what does being Champayne in tell...well I'm not telling. Just know when you start seeing a change in me, well you'll know why.......Ok no bullshit lol! I have no idea what this new person, i mean the NOW me is like or what her journey in tells. But its exciting....

oh Alud isn't home and I haven't called him in 2hours!!! I'm loving this already!!!

Flaws and All...

Well surfing on various fashion sites, blogs and old friends myspace pics....

I start to feel very posed...like a mannequin in Macy's. And when I mean mannequins I mean still, perfect, blank and stationary. Think about it a mannequin's look, emotion and style is created by other around, they are not officially ready til someone decides they are.

I wonder how many of are mannequins in our own lives...

Ex. Me 1....

A designer with a creative block, and dead in job, no diploma and got married right when my "wings" got big and strong enough to soar.

Recently I feel as if everything is posed for perfection. I mean as a little girl I learned from my immediate reality and my virtual reality thru TV, radio and observation that perfection or rather the illusion of it was they only option. So many of us was taught this as well...if life gives you lemons you make lemonade.

But what happens when we stop hiding our shortcomings, flaws and mistake and start openly and publicly fixing them, instead of hoping it will go away and no one will find it out. I wonder what will happen when someone will write on their on blog or myspace status "Just cheated on my boyfriend", "I'm unhappy with my behavior" or "I have wrong many today".

Ex. Me 2....

I'm not concentrate more on my passions, causing blocks to become buildings. Frighten to get another job because of the finical life style that I am use to. I'm a school drop out that won't find the time to attending a GED program. I'm scared of being alone and not having the option of to come back to Alud after exploring the world and the life around me so I get married to make sure I'm finicaly stable.

Myspace when will we learn are flaws are the true beauty. When will I learn that perfection is just a simile for fantasy. And bloggers all around show that beat up and kicked around hearts of your to the world show that where you are in your life truly...

IT PAYS ONE TO KNOW ONE...

OK...so that last blog wasn't exactly all I wanted to say. What I really wanted to say is that I'm fat, 235 to be exact. Why you ask have I allowed myself to get this heavy...well...when you eat refined beans with greasy taco shells, potatoes, rice, tofu, cheese, cheese and more cheese for two years that tends to happen. Now you ask me why didn't you lose the weight as soon as you gained it...again well...I was blessed with a husband that loved when I started to gain weight and even now, why because even though I'm 230 lbs. my figure is 36E-34-52...my butt and boobs are almost 3x bigger then when i first meet him. And I hate it!!! I hate the fact that I can cook "my specialties" bc he won't eat them, or that i can't fit in to my cute skimpy clothes. Oh better yet NO ONE NOTICES ME ANY MORE. When I use to walk into a room all eyes were constantly on my 34c-25-43 figure, my bronze brown skin, with a face that could make any hair style look good. But now I'm that "cute chunky" girl and I hate this most of all. But Alud likes it...
Alud also likes his job that causes me to work a job I hate to make sure the bills are paid. He likes going on business trips where he doesn't answer his phone on when I call.
You know he use to worship me... not like my body not even love but WORSHIP!!! Now sometimes I wonder if it ever crosses his mind that he could do without his 225lbs wife.

FYI: there are many signs of denial in this piece...Find more then one and you will understand my title.

MEAT WEEK!!!

So Alud is go on a business trip, you know what that means....MEAT WEEK! That's right ya'll turkey burgers, chicken, shrimp and fish OH YEAH!!! But after one burger i find myself feeling like crap!!! Alud is a vegetarian and I normally don't bring meat in to my house because it takes to much energy and money to cook two different meals each night. With that said I haven't cooked meat in my kitchen in almost a year and a half. But with me trying a new diet that insist I eat lean meat in my daily diet meat week my last a little long, but in baby steps because I feel like a PIG!!!

Comcast's Revenge

Comcast brought this piece of crap over my house and some pimple face dork install it but guess what... it don't work!!! I can't get any thing I pay and on top of that I have to wait til Wed for them to switch out a stupid box!!! Now while i'm doing all this ranting and raving I'm thinking in the back of my mind if they still remember i owe them like 400.00 thats why i got the cable in Alud name this time.....Spike full bitches!!!

A Masquerade Ball

Have you every woke in the middle of the night and wondered who the person that you been lying next to for several years really is? Ever walk into your office and wonder what your quiet, all together and polished manager is really like? And that Rapper on TV that seems to have everything on a silver platter, what does he do when he is alone? Or better yet have you ever glance out of the corner of your eye seeing your reflection and say "who...oh fuck that's me!" Well welcome to the Masquerade Ball!!! Where everyone try to have the biggest and creative mask only to hid there eyes from you seeing them envying your own big and bad decise. My wifey had just wrote a blog on the real her our apart of it any way and i am also reading Coming Up From the Down Low by J.L. King...And both speak about about there own Masquerade Ball aka their daily lives. Reading this i came to a small and minor conclusion that your bed partner is a wife and mother to you but a pregnant crack addict to streets once you leave for work. That manager of yours spending 50% of her six figure income on beauty product to hide the black eyes and bruises her husband gives her right before raping her every night. The Rapper you would never guess that when he goes home and pulls that bulletproof vest, saggy pants and gun off, he then crawls in to the bed with his male life partner of 10 years.
I say this to say that as human beings our struggle is the same, and notice i said HUMAN BEINGS aka creatures that are motived by feelings. When will we be able to take off the mask and to start mending to each other wounds so the Masquerade Ball becoming a Hostipal...making us all the paitent and doctors...

No pain No gain!

This SHIT taste like crap but it "burn calories"...190lbs by july!

Wives Summit To Your Husband...

Ok does this really mean what i think it means?!?! I mean I honor him but i'm not ready to be no ones "Betty Crooker House Wife"...That was our agreement that I would be able to be the women I always wanted to be...Apart of me is very frustrated b/c I'm ready to be in my career but the other part of me knows my blessing comes with his blessing...so I'll wait and let him be the *STAR* of the show... or at least be the opening show for the real DIVA!!!

Mrs. Hayes Has left the building...

Its a SMAL WORLD after all...

Ok what the hell!!! what is the world comin to...am i the only one seeing something wrong with these... These is beyond CRAZY!!! What the think they the black Demi Moore and Aston Kruster...This women makes one mistake after another...I hope he don't sell no sex tape with her saggy ass on it...Ya'll there ain't NO HOPE for the world.

I just spent the whole night with my wifey and Alud...it was one of those nights when you having fun without have to be extra hype...I love these guys!!!

My Alud!

He looks so DAMN good i can't stand him!

Alud Other Lover...

I'm sitting here, wanting on Alud as usual. He was suppose to be ready at 3:10... Its almost 3:30. What fuck. i already can't stand him right now. And he probably don't notice... ASSHOLE!

This

This is the exact time i throw up for the first time since last year these when i was pregnant... Fuck! Fuck! I refuse to get a pregnance test and get my hopes up for nothing...but there is hope...

I'm

I'm gettin my car next weekend. I can't what to crisin it. We start to get back to our regular freaky routine like when we first meet! He have ME the orgasm of the century a couple nights ago! SHIT FINALLY!

Firecracker HAIR or ATTITUDE?

I've gone the ultimated RED...but in the 10hrs I've from my transformation I already realize the persona that goes along with being a "hothead"...I'm pissed...why? B/c I'm pissed Alud came in tiredly to late...like 2:30 est!!! By the way Alud is my hubby...my very much in the dog house hubby...normally I would hold it all in and calmly fuss that next day or morning...but b/c it is the next day I let him Have It...